Dawood interview: I blame media

The Indian government may have admitted in Parliament that it is not aware of underworld don Dawood Ibrahim’s whereabouts, but a Mocktale reporter managed to do an exclusive Skype interview of the dreaded terrorist. Excerpts:Mocktale: The Indian government says it doesn’t know your location. Your comments?Dawood: I don’t advertise my location. I get this dreadful feeling that some people in India want me dead. But then I take a bath and the feeling passes. (*Whispers* Normally, I hate baths.) The real reason I keep my location hidden is because I don’t want my wife to know, you know? *Winks* I call her Mrs Dawoodfire.M: Is it true that you still extort Indian businessmen while living in Pakistan?D: Pakistan? Did you just say the P word? *checks mobile phone* Phew! For a second I thought my GPS was on. Please, no questions on Pakistan or Qaida. Mind your Ps and Qs. Coming back to your question on the businessmen. Yes, I make a few friendly calls now and then. But I am a reasonable guy. I allow them to pay in EMIs after they’ve made a large Don-payment. *winks again*.M: How has Islamabad been helping you? See I didn't use the P word.D: Very clever. I like loopholes. Islamabad doesn't help me. I help them. Pakistan has been having a blast. Every month. Wait, make that every week. Who do you think provides that help? Anyway, they had promised to look after the O guy. Look what happened to him. I feel safer without their help.M: What O guy?D: Arrey! Our Osama. Don’t you read the news? (*Whispers* They had offered me a mansion like his. One with an ISI-mark.) *winks again*M: Will you stop winking? And what mansion?D: Mansion not.M: *Exasperated* Do you even know why you’re hated so much in India?D: I blame the media. #Indianmediagoback. And Bollywood.M: Er, this is not Twitter. Your hashtag doesn’t mean anything. How has media or Bollywood made you hated? Doesn’t killing innocent people mean anything?D: I think the Indian people hate me because of that old photo with the ridiculous moustache and aviator goggles that the entire media keeps running. For God’s sake, I don’t look like that anymore. Also Bollywood keeps using actors with pathetic acting skills to play me. Naturally they’ll all hate me. Dear Indian people, I don’t wear red goggles like Rishi Kapoor did in that strange film. And please, Arjun Rampal didn’t kill me. I did almost have a stroke after seeing the horrible acting but I survived. I think another reason Indians don’t like me is because I got my daughter married to Javed Miandad’s son. And nobody can forget that last-ball six against India.M: Ever plan to return to India?D: You mean apart from “in chains” or “in a coffin”? No.M: What are your future plans?D: I plan to open an underwear chain. Then I can be King of the Undieworld.